Dead Girl Eating

What would you eat for your last supper?  Death row, clock is ticking, dead girl eating.  Kind of like the question, what book would you bring to a deserted island? Your thoughts turn to a food bucket list. 

I’d want Grandma Doris’s hot fudge on ice cream, a bowl of my dad’s chili, my sister’s tapioca pudding, my mom’s no bake cheesecake with cherries on top, my hubby’s grilled pheasant, my friend Jo’s artichoke dip, my friend Emily’s mom’s birthday cake, Jamie’s sugar cookies, and chocolate chip cookie dough, a warm cookie, and a crispy cool one, and a diet Mountain Dew from the can, ice cold.

What do you notice on my last meal menu?  A crap load of sweets, guilty.  But also, each food is attached to a person I love.  That isn’t something I fabricated for the blog.  The list came first, then the realization – all the food I love most is held by someone I love too.

So what if I rephrase the question, more like my pastor did this past Sunday. 

What if you were told tonight would be your last meal?  You will die peacefully after midnight, plan accordingly.

Different kind of question, isn’t it?  All of a sudden, food is kind of your last thought, isn’t it? 

When my pastor posed the question, I first thought he referring to the death row hypothetical, but then realized, no, that’s not what he’s asking.

He’s asking: What would you do if your time on earth was limited?  I mean, it always is, but we tend to live like tomorrow is a guarantee and we have all the time in the world. 

And the answer becomes, for me, I’d spend time with my family.  I wouldn’t worry about what I would eat that night, probably order in something I like so I wouldn’t have to take the time to prepare a meal.  Or something the kids like and create a special celebration for them.  The kids love streamers and candles. 

I’d call my parents and my grandparents.  I’d tell my dad about the Way one more time. I’d sit and play with each of my kids, write one last note in their baby books, tuck them in, give long hugs, and say good-night prayers.  I’d snuggle with my hubby on the couch.

The death row wish list is only applicable in that situation: alone, behind bars, with food to comfort and give joy at life’s end. 

For those of us who are free, the people around us are our comfort and joy.  Sharing a meal with our family is supposed to be like that – enjoy the food, yes, but it is not about the food primarily.  (Even when it is about the food!)

Thanksgiving – about the turkey and pumpkin pie.  Christmas – the cookies.  Birthday – cake.  We look forward to these events and these treats.  I do anyway.

But if that’s the only part we enjoy, we are missing the point and putting food in a much higher position of importance than it should be.

I often have honest anxiety over holidays and church potlucks and special events, knowing I’ll want to eat these goodies and feeling like I shouldn’t and feeling guilty for eating and feeling deprived if I resist.  Then I generally eat till I’m stuffed and I don’t want to deal with people and want to unbutton my pants or put on my sweats but I can’t because I’m at my cousin’s house, so on and so on.  All this anxiety and guess who isn’t enjoying the people around them, because of all the chaos in my head?  Me. 

This bloated cow ain't a happy cow.  Been there!

 

If I learn, if I train myself to see the death row supper vs. last night on earth supper mentality in every event that I get anxiety facing, I think I could be free to enjoy myself.  If I remind myself tomorrow is not guaranteed, that this is an irreplaceable event with those I love, I think I could change the way I react to the big events.  Not with guilt, not with binging, not focused on the food. 

The person who is obsessed with that food bucket list is the person behind bars, trapped and alone.

The person who is obsessed with her family and wanting to love and enjoy them, at the grand feasts and ordinary lunches of life, is the one who is free.

 

March 21 - Drunkeness * Gluttony * Debauchery

One would think, being one of the seven deadly sins, that Gluttony would be found more often in the Bible than it is.  I was surprised anyway.

I looked it up, intent on finding out where eating becomes a sinful act.  It is most literally translated, “riotous eating.”  Eating in a riotous fashion – are you picturing Black Friday shopping meets the buffet table, too?

Eating becomes sinful in the context of substituting in some way for God’s goodness, trying to fill ourselves.  A mental/emotional motivation.  I’ll post more on that another time.

But then there is a purely physical pleasure motivation that can turn eating into sin.

Now, to be clear, eating is supposed to be enjoyed.  God created food in countless varieties and textures and tastes, and created wonderfully gifted people to combine tastes and flavors into some of the most exquisite pure pleasure out there.  In Ecclesiastes Solomon admonishes,

“Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do.”  (Ecc 9:7)

“He (God) makes grass grow for the cattle, and plants for man to cultivate – bringing food from the earth: wine gladdens the heart of man, oil to make his face shine, and bread that sustains the heart.”  (Psalm 104:14-15)

Enjoying food like enjoying wine is not sinful, until, as in wine, one lets themselves become drunk.

There’s the line.  Wine is good, getting drunk is sinful.  Ephesians 5:18 emphatically declares,

“Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery.  Instead, be filled with the Spirit.”

1 Timothy 3:3 and Proverbs 31:4 both admonish elders and kings to not be drunk.

Think of the drunk mistakes in the Bible – Noah, after the flood, lying down naked and shameful for his sons to see.  Lot getting drunk and not realizing it was his own daughter’s improper advances.  Proves the ‘leads to debauchery’ right there.

Debauchery, per Bing, is unrestrained self indulgent immoral behavior.  (Trust me.  Or if you look it up, don’t do it when kids are around.  That word bings back a bunch of awful images.)

Dissipation, again, per Bing, is 1) overindulgence, in the pursuit of physical pleasures.  2) Wasteful use, squandering of resources. 3) Idle or frivolous amusement or diversion.

Synonyms to these words = orgy, bender, binge.

So, gluttony may not occur verbatim all that often, but debauchery and dissipations sure do.  And I believe they are the words that point to the same point –

As drinking wine is to drunk, so is eating food is to dissipation.  There’s a line when enjoyed (good) and enjoyed in excess (bad) is crossed and the act no longer pleases God.

Where’s the line?  Where’s the line between not drunk and drunk?  Exactly.  It’s gray and fuzzy and different for everyone. 

So I go back to alertness, mindfulness.  Eating and drinking and living on purpose, with His purpose and Glory in mind. 

I’ll share two more verses, both in the context of explaining the coming of End Times, when Jesus will return and our opportunities to be salt and light on this earth will be over.  Again, I refer to “Satan’s Seductive Lullaby post” – the time is short.  The day of salvation is near.  We don’t have time to be all bound up with the world and its distractions:

Jesus says, “Be careful, (be alert and on guard!) or your hearts will be weighed down with dissipation, drunkenness, and the anxieties of life, and that day will close on you unexpectedly like a trap.”  (Luke 21:34)

“So then, let us not be like the others, who are asleep, (Christians awakeasleep, dulled by the world) but let us be alert and self-controlled.  For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk, get drunk at night.  Be since we belong to the day, let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet.”  (1 Thessalonians 5:6-8)

So, be filled with the Spirit, till you are full.  Seek first the Kingdom of God.  It might be easier to write than to live out, as these old habits of riotous eating are so normal, so ingrained, breaking them would be like learning how to respond to food all over again.  But the key is I don't have to do alone, with my own vacillating will-power.  I don't even have to come at the habit head on, but retreat to my Maker, seeking Him, and allow Him to fill me full.

March 19th - God Wants Me to Wake up!!

Continuing on from yesterdays, http://zettelbear.blogspot.com/2013/03/march-18th-satans-seductive-lullaby.html...

Asleepawake… How do we wake up?

How does anyone awake from sleep? 

Sometimes it’s just naturally, I guess.  A dawning that rouses one from sleep.  Someone who has been lulled by Satan just having enough of that and gets back into the game, running the race.

But a lot of the time, it requires an Awakening, an Alarm.  Something startles and calls to action, threatens our wellbeing.  For example, someone who has been in the pattern of eating then escaping experiences chest pains, or has to dig out those pants that fit only after being pregnant…

Waking up like that is a reaction, not action.  I think God wants us to be in active states, furthering the kingdom on purpose. 

I heard on a Christian radio station one time an explanation of Exodus 32, the golden calf story, when the Lord tells Moses, “ ‘Now leave me alone so that my anger may burn against them and that I may destroy them.  Then I will make you into a great nation.’  But Moses sought the favor of the Lord his God…” and intercedes for Israel and the Lord does not destroy them.

Moses didn’t change God’s mind.  God doesn’t “change His mind.”  But God allowed the threat to Israel to rouse Moses into action. 

We can stay ON and not require such a threat to wake us up, or we can wait for the alarm to sound.

For me, the alarm was my son telling me he had been actually having a hard time at school.  I asked every day, how was school.  He said, fine.  I went on eating and escaping.  All the while, something was stewing under the surface.

If I had been ON, in prayer, mindful and alert, perhaps I would have seen the issue much sooner, or perhaps circumvented the issue altogether. 

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my own food coma to be my excuse when Jesus asks me, Why didn’t you feed me when I was hungry? (Matthew 25:45 ad lib)

“ ‘Wake up, O sleeper, Rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.’  Be very careful, then, how you live – not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.  Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.  Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery.  Instead, be filled with the Spirit.”  (Ephesians 5:14-18)

I’ll post on wine and debauchery soon.  Here are a few more be alert and awake verses:

The wife of noble character… “She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.  She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.  She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.”  (Proverbs 31: 17-18, 27)

“Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize?  Run in such a way as to get the prize.  Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training.  They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.  Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air.  No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.”  (1 Corinthians 9:24-27)

“I went past the field of the sluggard, past the vineyard of the man who lacks judgment; thorns had come up everywhere, the ground was covered with weeds, and the stone wall was in ruins… (Oh this is convicting – as I slumber, my home, my children, my house and the weeds, no protection from onslaught…).  “I applied my heart to what I observed and learned a lesson from what I saw:  A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man.”  (Proverbs 24:30-34)

"No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs - he wants to please his commanding officier." (1 Timothy 2:4)

"Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith..."  (Hebrews 12:1-2)

March 18th - God Wants me to be Alert, not Entertained by Satan's Seductive Lullaby

How does God want me to eat? 

Alertly. 

Huh?

In the Bible, God gifts us with two options, enabling grace to power through the day He has made for us with His work on earth to accomplish, and His Rest.

Satan offers us a tempting, almost irresistible third state of living: awakeasleep, whereby he successfully lulls us into inactivity.  Unproductivity.  No more good to the Kingdom of God than a rock in the front yard.  Well, even less so, because the Bible says if we don’t, the rocks will sing His praises.

The food coma was (is) such an ingrained habit of my life I almost don’t recognize it, or notice it at all.  It’s just there.  Totally normal.  Unalien.  Unalarming.  Like the same wedding photo I’ve walked by for years, it doesn’t stand out.  It’s been there as long as I can remember.

You know what I’m talking about.  The sugar rush that plummets and then I need a nap.  The caffeine high that energizes then crashes so I need to take a mom “time-out.”  The overeating that leads to sluggishness of brain and body.  Eating in such a way that necessary idleness follows.

So then, where do I turn when the coma is descending?  Probably the TV, or a novel, for escape and entertainment.  I’m a reader and there are certain series I’ll turn to for my escape and literally, in the middle of those, I’ll look up at my baby who needs a diaper change and realize this is the first time I’ve seen her, actually SEEN her, all day.  Sure I’ve gone through motions, this isn’t the first change and she’s been fed.  But my brain and my heart are somewhere else altogether.

Or I used to be the person who had the VCR programmed just about every day for something, some series I was committed to watching.  I knew the characters in and out, had lines memorized, saved the good episodes to re-watch, found the spoiler alerts on the internet.  What an investment of my time, energy, and thoughts into fantasy!

Guilt overwhelms me when I wake up from my fiction slumber, having been wooed and courted by the enticing, fabricated world I put myself in, and actually SEE my kids.  They are growing up so fast, and I missed it, whatever part of that day or week or month I went through motions with them, awakeasleep, shortening up prayers at bedtime so I could get back to my show, or book.

Can you picture it?  Can you picture my head on a demon’s lap as he strokes my hair and hums Satan’s seductive lullaby, and I purr with contentment in my sluggard lethargy. 

Back to food, living in the pattern of gorge, then “rest”:  The devil wants me feel that unfulfilling fullness, to crave it desperately, to desire it zealously.  He wants me sluggish and inactive so I’ll run (haha, more like waddle) to the couch, flip on the TV and see more commercials, more seeds planted, images of good food that will “satisfy” me right back here tomorrow. 

And then a pattern is set.  Eat, escape, eat more, escape more, and all the while allowing “entertainment” to numb my mind until I am an Ineffective Christian.  Not a threat. Satan may as well leave me alone, I am doing just fine in my Snuggie with my remote.  (The absolute sidenote here is how much of the entertainment fills my head with thoughts that are absolutely against God’s Word on top of it all?)  My body is full, fat, lethargic, weak, heavy, incapacitated, without endurance.  My mind if filled with immorality and the world’s best pitches at unconditional love.  I’m not running a race.  I’m not even watching the race. 

So, back to square one, God wants me to be alert.  The opposite of awakeasleep, going through motions.  He wants my best. 

“Now it is hightime to awake out of sleep; for now our salvation is nearer than we first believed.  The night is far spent, the day is at hand.  Therefore, let us cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armor of light.  Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy.  But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and more no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts.”  (Romans 13:11-14 NKJV)

“Many live as enemies of the cross of Christ…”  (Pause: the Cross = “whoever wants to follow Me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me”) “…Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is their shame.  Their mind is on earthly things.  But our citizenship is in heaven.  And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who by the power that enables Him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like His glorious body.”  (Philippians 3:18-21)

The flesh enjoys awakeasleep, it temporarily feels nice to indulge in food and then be whisked away from laundry/dishes/diapers.  But the Spirit wants us to be On, alert, and ready for the work He has for me.  The day of salvation is at hand.  We are and I am not to be living in this zombie state, satisfied with my own salvation, pampering my flesh on my journey towards Heaven. 

As my mom says, “Get to Heaven and take as many with you as you can.” 

Not that I need to start going door to door or whatever – but I’ve got these kids God has entrusted me with, and rather than worry about what Dr. Whoever is going to save tonight, (who am I kidding, I could care less about who he’s gonna save, I’m wondering who he’s gonna kiss) I need to be actively bringing them up in the ways of the Lord.  I cringe when I think my kids might look back at their childhood and remember mom with her Nook and not mom in prayer.

So the answer to the question, How does God want me to eat?  He wants me to fuel my body for THAT purpose - to eat properly to sustain energy; to exercise regularly to strengthen my body and increase my endurance; to enter into His rest, not wallow world’s rest – For His Glory and for the Furtherance of His Kingdom. 

March 15th - Halfway Point. But what's actually the point?

I want sugar very very much today.  My favorites: I want chocolate chip cookies.  First the dough, then a warm pliable melty one out of the oven, then cooled off, crispy with milk.  Probably more than one of each of the above. 

It would help my resolve to see a little inches backwards on the scale.  Apparently my fast from sugar doesn’t affect my caloric intake enough to mean anything.  Or it’s too soon.  Is Day 15 too soon?  It doesn’t feel too soon.

I’m amazed at how many “No’s” I’ve had to say throughout every day in the last 15, how available extra sugary treats are presented as easy options throughout a day.  I’ve really created a lifestyle where sugar is weaved into the fabric brilliantly, not just a subtle hue.

And I’m not just speaking of “desserts.”  I’m talking about a little extra sugar on my cereal (esp like Cheerios, they need some help.)  The glaze on the ham – yeah, that was an interesting night.  Grapefruit!  It’s just not the same with Truvia.

If I’m honest, though, I’d tell you I feel better.  I don’t feel sluggish and full all the time.  Now, my salty substitutes make the fat around my wedding ring do its own version of a muffin top (and bottom), but that is a different bloat then the sugar sludge. 

So I guess I’ll stay on the wagon, off the sugar.  Today would be the perfect, cold-fronty winter day to help the furnace heat the house by baking goodies. 

I need to turn the next 16 days around and make them mean something.  That I’m not just proving I can, but actually using the time to make a difference. Like while I was breast-feeding, I should have stuck to an exercise routine to just give myself a little boast while I was already at an advantage. 

Because if a month totally (well mostly) off sugar doesn’t mean something, then what is the point of resisting today? 

March 14th - God Wants Me to Eat Without Worry

How does God want me to eat?

Without stress.  When it comes to eating, I have a lot of stress.  Counting calories, watching portions, converting grams to ounces, gah!

Then there’s the other side.  The “I shouldn’t, but I’m gonna; but I shouldn’t, but I’m gonna…”  Guilt-filled, panicky, anxious, fearful, nervous stress.

Not how I’m destined by my Creator to relate to food. 

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?”  (Matthew 6:25-27)

I think the key to this passage is trust.  Two-fold trust.  Trusting that my heavenly Father does actually love me more than a bird.  That I am much more valuable to Him than they.  If I understood the amazing love of God, would I turn to food to fill me, or would I already be satisfied?

Secondly, trusting that He is able to provide.  I can surrender my desires and my needs to Him and He will meet them.  Abundantly.  My Father owns all the cattle on the hill and I am His heir.  He can, He wants to, and He will. 

Eating out of spiritual deficit posts are coming.  The point today is:

”Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?”  (Matthew 6:28).

March 8th - Taking Down the Streamers (Birthdays and Sugar)

So, yep, I’ve made it another time around the sun.  34 years on this earth.  Wow. 

Birthdays aren’t birthdays without sugar treats right?  As my daughter said, after I thanked her for a nice birthday when I tucked her in, “Mom, you did not open one present or blow out one candle.”  As if to say, “Surely, you did not have a good birthday.”

Surely a birthday without a cake does not a birthday make.

It was rough in places, I’ll admit.  I made the puppy chow for hubby the day before my birthday.  Didn’t even lick my fingers with the melted chocolate on them.  Didn’t sample either.  Edwardian self-control, I know!  Because puppy chow draws me as severely as Bella’s blood drew him.  Seriously.

Then it was my birthday.  My Day.  And I made apple crisp cake for hubby’s work.  I tell you what, the self-pity came crashing down when I wanted to lick the spoon. 

Then my baby started puking again.  And my friend showed up with cupcakes.

Still doing good.  Still in control.  Fought against the self-pity, resolved that My day could still be great without sugar.  Made my banana ice cream treat.  Happily ate that.

Then, hubby came home from work.  With left over puppy chow.  Really.

So, here’s my confession.  I ate about ten pieces of puppy chow as I froze the rest.

And I consider that a victory.  And this is why:

1. I was propositioned with giving up sugar the day before it began, spur of the moment.  This wasn’t anything I felt convicted about, other than I needed to start something, somewhere.  I am still committed to the plan, even after this “cheat.”  But I don’t feel as if I’ve sinned in my eating of puppy chow.

2. I only ate a small, appropriate amount, as per what I’ve been being taught through God’s Word and leading.  Puppy chow and sugar aren’t innately evil or sinful.  They are just not everyday food (so it being in my freezer is just an extra test) nor are they to be a substitute for His comfort (when the little one is puking her guts out and needy) nor are they to be eaten riotously (as in the whole container, which would be gone under normal circumstances.  I like it that much.)  I ate a little, then put it away, content with that amount, and enjoyed the lovely, sweet, crunch.

Confession #2:  I also accidentally ate banana pudding with vanilla wafers.  That’s because it was on the salad bar and it didn’t even occur to me until it was consumed it was a sugar food.  I was avoiding the dessert bar, obviously.  So I was a little shocked at myself when it dawned on me.

And the thing is, of the entire salad bar and buffet and grilled shrimp, that stinking banana pudding tasted the best out of all the other bits I consumed.  I imagine because of the fast from sugar I’d been on.  But even so, I wasn’t drawn or tempted to fill a plate of it.  Again, it was enjoyed without guilt, without gluttony, and without over-doing it.

I even left the buffet with my pants buttoned.  Seriously.  Applaud people.

I am learning a new way of consuming food.  It’s interesting to learn, and I am anxious to keep learning, but to also walk in what I learn, and not leave it as head knowledge only.  I am excited to practice this new knowledge.  To stand my ground, and not back down. 

Welcome to my new relationship with food. 

If you have any input, anyone, I’d love to hear it and have a conversation about what I’m learning.  If you have trouble commenting, let me know via email or whatever.  I don’t know what I’m doing, newbie blogger, but I think I’ve adjusted settings so people can easily comment. 

March 6th - God Wants to Provide My Daily Bread

So how does God want me to eat?               

An answer is right there in the middle of the Lord’s Prayer, something I’ve had memorized for most of my life.

“Give us this day our daily bread.”

Bread for today.  Today’s bread.  Not tomorrow’s bread.  No more bread than what I need for today.  Important enough to be mentioned in the prayer Jesus taught us to pray. 

And that prayer is not like a page long.  It’s short and simple and apparently, daily bread is that relevant to intercede for on a daily basis.

In the desert, God gave the Israelite’s manna, but only enough for that day.  (With the exception of Saturday, they were instructed to gather for Sunday, too.)  The rest of the week, if they gathered extra bread, it would rot.

Wouldn’t life be so much easier if the excess food I didn’t need for the day would just rot on my plate mid meal?  Gross, but makes the portion control a breeze.  When that second (or third) portion of hashbrown bake suddenly had maggots crawling on it.  Not so hard to resist it then.

“Thy Kingdom come,

Thy will be done,

on earth as it is in Heaven.”  

I surrender to Your will Oh Lord, have Your way.

“Give me this day my daily bread,

And lead me not into temptation…” 

(Coincidence, daily bread followed by temptation intention?)

 

Satisfy me, Oh Lord, so nothing from my flesh and sinful nature leads us astray.

“But deliver us from evil.” 

I only want to bring glory to Your name.

I’ve heard the phrase, “eat when you are hungry, stop when you are full” from the Weigh Down Diet.  My trainer friend said to eat to the point of contentment.

Contentment vs. “full” or even “satisfied.”  Satisfied, to me, means I don’t even want it any more, I’ve had enough.  Full, to me, means I couldn’t eat anymore because I’m done.

Contentment, to me, is a peaceful word.  I might “want” more and I might actually have “room” for more, if I stretch the stomach a bit and lay down after I eat.  But I am content with the wise portion I’ve consumed.  I’m at peace. 

Sugar intake update – I tasted the caramel on the rolls.  I had to, just to make sure it wasn’t icky or grainy when I put them on the rolls for hubby’s work.  I actually tasted the caramel twice, once more after they came out, again to make sure I wasn’t sending crap to the office.  Just on the tip of a finger.  I didn’t lick the kettle or the spoon or the excess after I flipped them upside down left in the cake pan.  Legalistically, I suppose that’s a cheat.  But I’d say considering all I didn’t do, I’m still calling it a win. 

I think I’ll have my oldest be my taste tester for puppy chow.  I am remembering Twilight, when Edward had to suck James’s venom from Bella and he had the self-control to stop.  I’d like to think I could do the same.  But, let’s be real people, it’s puppy chow.

March 5th - Weird Dream

Want to share a dream I had with you all.  I don’t have the time or energy to go to my notes and write thoughtfully.

So last year, when this all started, I had this very interesting dream.  Interesting to me, anyway.  Telling. 

I dreamt I was going on vacation, to somewhere exotic.  Like Cancun or Belize.  It was warm and hubby and I were walking on cobblestone streets to a little café.  And I was soo looking forward to enjoying all the great food I was going to get to experience at this location.

Except, I realized, I was sooo full already, I literally could not swallow one bite of food.  Why?  Because I was a drug mule apparently.  I had swallowed a stomachs full of drugs inside plastic baggies (condoms?)  (Sidenote, by now you all are like, she watches waaay too much TV and yes, in fact, that is probably true…) and I was utterly sick.

So I went to a bathroom to try to puke up the drugs because I wanted to eat the good vacation food.  But I had to keep looking over my shoulder before I did, since I was being followed by the feds.  Or whoever would punish a drug mule like me for this bad decision to fill my body full of drugs.

Fear and suspense and the ishy awful full feeling and the devastation of not being able to enjoy vacation food.  That was that dream’s dominate emotions.

Here’s what I reasoned my subconscious mind was working out.

1. I tend to graze.  Grab a little to eat here and there as I go about my day.  Mindless sometimes, for pleasure sometimes, for stress relief, for boredom, whatever.  So when I go to sit down to eat a meal I’ve prepared, I don’t enjoy it, because I’m already full.  Then I feel worse because now I’m really full.  And part of me knows I would gain more enjoyment from my food, and feel better in general, if I would just allow myself to be hungry before a meal.  I’m not necessarily not enjoying the grazing, I guess, but emotionally, I feel out of control and that is as unpleasant as the overfull feeling.  In the dream, that overfull feeling was so real, I can still “feel” how I felt in my dream.  Like all the way up the esophagus full.   Few degrees beyond Thanksgiving at Aunt Lori’s even.

2. I’m already full of things that aren’t good for me.  Sure my subconscious went to a super extreme in representing that which fills me and isn’t good, condoms filled with dope.  But the point remains, I know on some level I am putting stuff inside me that is to my detriment, not my benefit.  Hence the feds, they enhanced that feeling of what I swallowed was wrong.

3. I wanted to enjoy vacation food.  I don’t think this was a telling of my unhealthy association of food with events (ie I can’t enjoy my birthday without cake, I can’t enjoy a movie without popcorn) but it was just a pure desire to enjoy eating.  And God created us to enjoy Him and His creation.  I am missing His blessing if I continually act out of flesh.  There is sweetness in living in obedience.

So that’s it for today.  Still no sweets – even went through Wal-Mart today, through the baking aisle, without any mental setbacks.  It’s our turn to bring treats to the hubby’s work, so I am making puppy chow, caramel rolls, and apple crisp for the next three days. 

Wish me luck.  Hubby doesn’t think I can do without cheating, esp the puppy chow.  Now that is exactly the kind of dare I needed to get through!

March 4th: God Wants Me to Enjoy Oreo's

How do I bring glory to God with what I eat?  What does God want me to eat?

The second answer to these questions focuses on the eating plans that eliminate a food group or vilifies Oreo’s (my symbol representing desserts.)  I gotta believe anything that’s good comes from God, as James states:

“Every good and perfect gift comes from above,” (James 1:17.)

And Oreo’s are good.  But any good thing can be used inappropriately, leading people away from God and into sinful behavior.  I’ve got another post examining at what point eating becomes sinful, but it will have to wait for another day. 

When describing the Promised Land, Deuteronomy 8:7-9 states,

“For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land… a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing.”

Now, I am not a biblical expert, but oil, honey, bread kind of nods to fats, sugars, carbs.  Yes?  In the limited palette of biblical times, these had to be the treats, right?  And the Promised Land was the place of freedom - out of slavery, into freedom and blessing. 

Some of the diet plans out there seem to push a forbidden, bad, negative reputation of certain these foods, the salt/fat/sugar foods, adding I think to the guilt, shame, and discouragement people (myself included) feel after enjoying them.

I am not talking about enjoying them to excess even, just having one.  Just thinking about enjoying that rich, multi-layered chocolate dessert posted on my friend’s Pinterest board this AM causes a red warning flag, and a “ohh… that’s so wrong” response within me.

I remember a time I was unaware of how this “bad food” belief had permeated a certain women’s group I started attending.  I brought cookies to share.  The leader passed them around.  The plate got all the way to me, about half way around the circle, without anyone taking one.  I took a cookie, like “they aren’t poisoned people!” and it went all the way back to the leader, still minus only one.  Seriously, did I feel like the fat girl in the room, enjoying the cookie I brought all by myself. 

Listen to what Paul writes in Colossians regarding rules imposed by human wisdom,

“Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules?  ‘Do not handle!  Do not taste!  Do not touch!’   These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings.  Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.”  (Colossians 2:20-23)

The world has promoted “healthy eating” and “exercise” to such a high virtue; all I saw growing up is skinny = beautiful and beautiful = successful and attractive, and I wasn’t skinny.  Ergo, I was not beautiful, attractive, or successful.  What are the opposites of those words:  ugly, repulsive, failure.  Thank you world.  Love you too.

(Side note, that same world tells me, oh, you feel sad?  Here… have an Oreo.  You’ll feel better…  aha.  A preview to how eating can turn into sin…)

But the rules of this world, according to Colossians, lead to false humility, harsh treatment of the body, and lack any value on actually conquering the flesh. 

There has to be a better way than the world’s rule book.

Back to the original train of though, when I went to the Bible to determine what God wants me to eat, cutting any certain food forever was not where I was feeling led.  Sure, He told Adam and Eve to not eat that one fruit.  And He had all kinds of do’s and don’t’s outlined in Leviticus. 

But then the New Testament came along, and Paul writes,

“‘Everything is permissible’ – but not everything is beneficial,” (1 Corinthians 10:23) and also “You, my brothers, were called to be free.  But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature.”  (Galatians 5:13)

(Now, this no sugar fast for Nutrition Month is just a fast.  Not because I feel more righteous if I abstain from added sugar.  FYI, still doing well, kind of looked at the cupboard this AM looking for a little something~something… but had a banana and am alright.  For now.)

New Testament believers can eat pork without guilt.  So too, Oreo’s and that luscious chocolate dessert from Pinterest.

But then the book of Daniel has an interesting passage that can’t be ignored when looking to the Bible for answers on how to eat to glorify God. 

In Daniel chapter 1, King Nebuchadnezzar brought in some Israelites, “young men without any physical defect,” and “assigned them a daily amount of food and wine from the king’s table.”  Daniel was one of them, “but Daniel resolved not to defile himself with the royal food and wine.”  He had to ask permission to decline the offer of the king’s food, and the chief official replied, “Why should (the king) see you looking worse than the other young men your age?  The king would then have my head because of you.”  Daniel replies, “’Please test your servants for ten days: Give us nothing but vegetables to eat and water to drink.  Then compare our appearance with that of the young men who eat the royal food, and treat your servants in accordance with what you see.’  So (the official) agreed to this and tested them for ten days.  At the end of the ten days they looked healthier and better nourished than any of the young men who ate the royal food.  So the guard took away their choice food and the wine they were to drink and gave them vegetables instead.” (Daniel 1:3-16)

Is food rich in fat, salt, and/or sugar innately bad or evil?  No.

Is it wise to make them a staple in your eating habits?  No.  According to Daniel, veggies are the way to go.  Fat/salt/sugar is permissible, but not beneficial. 

Going back to the Promised Land passage, “vines (grapes I assume) and fig trees, and pomegranates” are listed before the oil and honey. 

Yay for fruit!  Woo-hoo for veggies! 

And Hallelujah for Oreo’s to be consumed and enjoyed, guilt free – wisely, with a heart that eats to glorify Him.

March 3rd: How Do I Bring Glory to God With What I Eat?

Day two update: no sweets, no cheating.  Woo-hoo, I guess…

So far, though, my resolve hasn’t been challenged.  I haven’t craved chocolate yet.  The desire for the sweets hasn’t magnified because of my decision to not eat them.  I don’t know why.  Usually it is just the opposite.  The “can’t” makes the “want” a total monster, picture your two year old throwing her worst fit.  My “want” is like that time 50.

That thought takes me back to the beginning.  Where the conviction started, the place the Holy Spirit first started pointing to an area in my life that was not conformed to the image of the Son.

“Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own.  You were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and your spirit, which are God’s.”  (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

“Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” (1 Corinthians 10:31)

So this posed the question:  How do I bring glory to God with what I eat?  What does God want me to eat?

There are so many plans and experts out there who want to tell you what to eat.  Low carbs, good carbs, no carbs etc.  I’d yo-yo’d throughout my life and was ready to just do this God’s way.  What does the Bible say about eating?

My first answer to this question was: God doesn’t want my flesh to rule over me.

We are complicated beings, wonderfully made by a Creator in His image.  We are comprised of Spirit, Soul, and Body. 

Spirit: also known as the mind of Christ, the Holy Spirit lives here.  Our spirit points us to the Son, to be made into His image, to bring Glory to the Father.

Soul: Our minds, feelings, and heart.  This part of me doesn’t tell me about God, it tells me about me.  What I think and feel, that wonderfully deceitful heart according to Jeremiah 17:9.

Body: Its appetites.  Sleep, hunger, pleasure, pain, etc.  Craves food.  Sidenote, did you know that food scientists use cutting-edge technology to calculate the “bliss point” of sugary beverages or enhances the “mouthfeel” of fat by manipulating its chemical structure?  Science has proved that junk food acts in our bodies in a similar way to heroin in a drug addict, needing more and more to achieve the same “high.”  Our bodies and its cravings are deceived as well.

Ergo, Soul + Body = Flesh.  The part of us that is in need of sanctification.

I don’t know about you, but I’m more in tune with my Soul and Body yelling at me, than the still, soft, gentle voice of the Spirit.

A friend of mine posted on FB one of those ecards that read something to the effect, “Maybe I wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they yelled to be fed like my kids do.” 

I’ve prayed to be yelled at, to be made willing by force.  But just as my bicep won’t get stronger by my wishing it would, I need to strengthen my “spirit-man.”  I need to choose to not listen to the yelling flesh, pay attention to the Spirit.  To practice that paying attention through prayer, going to the Word, and walking in obedience, regardless of what my soul and body say to the contrary.

Whoa, this is off my notes, but writing that paragraph, I suddenly saw that maybe this is what fasting would be like.  I’m not all that clear on fasting and honestly am a little afraid of it.  But as I wrote that paragraph, I pictured a fast.  Simply practicing listening to the Spirit while denying flesh.  Huh.  Well then… Thank you Lord for small epiphanies.

Back to my notes…

“Walk in the Spirit and you shall not fulfill the lusts of the flesh.  For the flesh lusts against the spirit and the spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so you do not do the things you wish.”  (Galatians 5:16)

Summing up the next verses following:

Fruit of Spirit: Peace, Patience (Long-Suffering), Faithfulness, Self-Control.  (This does not sound at all like my eating habits.)

Works of Flesh: Idolatry (anything we’d sin to have, anything we use to satisfy our hungry souls in place of Him), Revelries (free for alls, Fat Tuesday type riotous behaviors), Selfish Ambition, Fits of Rage (but I WANT A COOKIE NOW!)

Further study on flesh and spirit supplied countless verses.  Clearly, God didn’t create us to be ruled by our bodily appetites or our deceitful heart, but to surrender to and be led by His Spirit within us.  Therefore, what I eat should not be decided upon by my body and its manufactured lust, or my soul, with its poor-me-needs-a-cookie-to-be-happy lies. 

No, clearly the Spirit of God will lead me into choosing what I eat based on what will bring Him more glory.  My part is to stay surrendered, stay in peace, believing this battle is His.

“May God Himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through.  May your whole spirit, soul, and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.  The one who calls you is faithful, and He will do it.”  (1 Thessalonians 5:3)

March 2nd - Day 2 of No Sweets

Ugh.  How many millions of people gave up sweets for Lent and don't feel so anxious they feel the need to blog about it? 

The March 1st line in the sand was for me just that, a line.  A jump start.  Like I posted before, it's been a lifelong road to get here.

Recently, even my arbitrary daily devo tools have been pushing me in this direction.

My daily flip a verse calendar had this to say on February 27:

Praying always.  (Ephesians 6:18)  "Perserverance is to the human spirit what the rudder is to a ship.  It will steer the ship dead ahead in spite of the contrary wind.  You must have holy determination, pressing on in defiance of all odds."

Then my Joyce Meyer's Trusting God Day by Day devo on February 25:

Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  (Ephesians 6:14-15 NIV) 
"Moses told the Israelites not to fight whent hey found the Red Sea facing them on one side and the Egyptian army casing them on the other.  They became frightened, and he told them, "Fear not; stand still (firm, confident, undismayed) and see the salvation of the Lord which He will work for you today.  For the Egyptioans you have seen today you shall never see again.  The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace and remain at rest" (Ex 14:13-14). 

Notice that Moses told the Israelites to "hold their peace and reamain at rest." Why?  They were at war, and it was necessary for them to respond with peace in order to win the battle.  God would fight for them if they would show their confidence in Him by being peaceful.  Trust in Him:  Choose to stop fighting and trust God to fight for you.  That is how to win a battle."

Stay with me here.  The trainer I mentioned in the first post gave me a visual tool to use in my fight against cravings that would derail my honoring God purposes.  She said to picture myself riding an elephant - the elephant being the cravings.  But I held the reigns in my hands.  As in, the elephant is huge, but you have self-control.

I do have self-control.  It is a gift of the Spirit, living inside me.  I also have biceps and quadriceps.  All three are weak, untrained, and under-developed.

The flipper encourages me to keep fighting, not just make a stand, then quit.  And Joyce tells me how to fight, on my knees, surrendered to Him.  I can't steer that elephant alone, and Praise God I don't have to.  I need to keep my peace, trusting God to lead, change, mold, and make me so that even what I eat and drink, I do for His glory.

Day 1 victories:  I did not eat even one M&M from my son's bag at the bowling alley.  I did not have even one bite of the kids' leftover pancakes this AM, since they have butter and sugar Grandma Teri style.  And my browning bananas are in the oven now, made into a sugar free, apple and banana breakfast blend.  Not to shabby. 

Tom Petty: I Won't Back Down (lyrics)

March 1st - "Walk Back Down"

Mama Bear is gonna take this blog in a new direction.  I've been going around and around the "Honor God With Your Body" mountain for a solid year now, examining what the Bible says about eating, reading books by authors on the same subject, monitoring my own eating habits and motives.

In other words, I've been stressing out for a solid year.  I've been stressing about my weight since as long as I can remember, but last year at the same time, the January/February not quite spring or winter here in Western ND, I felt like something moved in my spirit, a prompting from God that I'd been travelling around this mountain long enough.

The epiphany came while I was on a walk, avoiding the sloppy melting snow on my lunch hour from work.  I listen to Joyce Meyers in the AM and she had reviewed her process of getting out of debt, that God had showed her she had been spending tomorrow's money today and if she had to live on meager rations until she was out of debt, she deserved that.  It was a tough battle, she recalled, when she wanted to spend money and it would have been so easy to do so.

Thinking on that, for whatever reason, the coorelation hit me.  I'd been eating tomorrow's food today, most of my life.  To fill a void, because I was bored and it was fun, we'll get to that stuff later.  And if I had to live on meager portions until the problem was fixed, then that's what I'd have to do.  It would be a tough battle, when I wanted to eat more than I should, and the habit of overindulging is just so easy to slip back into.  But I felt empowered to fix the mess I had gotten myself into.

So the line between debt/no debt is pretty easy to see.  Black and Red.  In appropriate vs. God honoring. Where was the line for my inappropriate vs. God honoring?  Luckily I carpool with the town's leading personal trainer and dietician, and found the Michelle Obama food pyramid to plate online resources helpful.  That broke down the number of calories I should eat for my height and weight, designating the portions from each food groups to result in a daily, balanced eating pattern.

So there, that's what I should eat every day.  That is an appropriate eating plan.  The goal: the BMI chart puts my healthy weight at approx 110 - 140 lbs.  There.  That is my "in the black" weight.

I found success fairly easily.  I took the praise report to my Bible Study of how free I felt.  How good I felt.  I reached my 140 and I arrived, victorious.

Then I went on vacation.  And while I did well at first, not going vacation crazy, on Wednesday I decided I didn't need to be so self-controlled.  Not a wise choice...

Then we came back and some situations in our home life got me all "double minded."  I can't function in duality.  I am black/white, all or nothing in my personality.  I'm working on it, I'm sure that will be in a post down the road, too.  It is a derailment waiting to happen.  I'm either "on the diet" or I am "off the diet." And when I say off, I mean OFF.  Mardi Gras, Fat Tuesday, Riot off.  For later... 

The point, living in the double-minded suspense put honoring God way down on the list, as I tend to use food as a friend, comfort, stress reliever, etc, etc, etc...

So guess what?  The weight came back.  And then some.  I guess because nothing really changed?  Permanently changed?  I thought it had, just as I've thought in the past, I'll never be over "this" weight again.  (That # is 150 by the way.  That's the heaviest I ever want to be, unless I'm preggo.  I'm over that now.  Sad face.)  Guess not, guess I'm just the same old me.  I binge, bloat up, then purge, lose weight.  Binge and purge, up and down, size this to size not telling you.  Always, though, stressed on the upswing or down.

But here's the point to today's intro.   But first a little background, off the subject.  I like Tom Petty and used to own his greatest hits CD.  I am also notoriously singing the wrong words to songs.  It's one of those flaws I find quite attractive in myself though, like if I were a character in a romantic comedy, that'd be one of the things mr. handsome would love about me and look dreamiily at me during the musical montage. 

So, I used to sing, "I'll stand my ground, won't be turned around, keep this world from dragging me down, gonna stand my ground, and I'll Walk Back Down."  I honestly thought the song was saying, I'll make my stand, and after I've stood, I'll just turn around and go home.  That it was enough to just make the stand.  I literally thought that. 

It is the complete opposite of the song's intended message.  You gotta stand, and keep standing, and not back down.  Its exactly how I have approached this weight loss, getting healthy, honoring God process.  I stood.  I'm done now.  I'm going home. 

Food addiction is a difficult disorder, because while an alcoholic can avoid a bar, I can't avoid eating.  I'd like to, I wish I could just stop and not be stressed before, during, and after just about every meal I consume.

But I think I'm gonna stand this time.  I'm going to stand on my knees.  I can not do this on my own, I can't deliever myself from the cravings of my flesh, and even more so, the life long habits of using food.  I can't do this.  The thought of relinquishing some of those habits creates such anxiety in me.  The thought of standing for every meal for the rest of my life is so overwhelming, the option of just not and getting Biggest Loser contestant big crosses my mind.  Insurance pays for gastric bypass at 100# over weight.  Binge and Purge...

But the thought of peace consuming my days, the peace of freedom and walking in obedience draws me.  I believe God is moving me into freedom. 

So my dietician is going up sugar this month and invitied me to join.  Oh why not?  If you are reading this, I ask for your prayers for my journey.  I'll get more into what God is teaching me soon.  I ask to be willing to be made willing to give up all that is hindering me and run with perserverance the race He's marked out for me.  Hebrews 12 I think.  Thanks to all.  Let's Run.