Dead Girl Eating

What would you eat for your last supper?  Death row, clock is ticking, dead girl eating.  Kind of like the question, what book would you bring to a deserted island? Your thoughts turn to a food bucket list. 

I’d want Grandma Doris’s hot fudge on ice cream, a bowl of my dad’s chili, my sister’s tapioca pudding, my mom’s no bake cheesecake with cherries on top, my hubby’s grilled pheasant, my friend Jo’s artichoke dip, my friend Emily’s mom’s birthday cake, Jamie’s sugar cookies, and chocolate chip cookie dough, a warm cookie, and a crispy cool one, and a diet Mountain Dew from the can, ice cold.

What do you notice on my last meal menu?  A crap load of sweets, guilty.  But also, each food is attached to a person I love.  That isn’t something I fabricated for the blog.  The list came first, then the realization – all the food I love most is held by someone I love too.

So what if I rephrase the question, more like my pastor did this past Sunday. 

What if you were told tonight would be your last meal?  You will die peacefully after midnight, plan accordingly.

Different kind of question, isn’t it?  All of a sudden, food is kind of your last thought, isn’t it? 

When my pastor posed the question, I first thought he referring to the death row hypothetical, but then realized, no, that’s not what he’s asking.

He’s asking: What would you do if your time on earth was limited?  I mean, it always is, but we tend to live like tomorrow is a guarantee and we have all the time in the world. 

And the answer becomes, for me, I’d spend time with my family.  I wouldn’t worry about what I would eat that night, probably order in something I like so I wouldn’t have to take the time to prepare a meal.  Or something the kids like and create a special celebration for them.  The kids love streamers and candles. 

I’d call my parents and my grandparents.  I’d tell my dad about the Way one more time. I’d sit and play with each of my kids, write one last note in their baby books, tuck them in, give long hugs, and say good-night prayers.  I’d snuggle with my hubby on the couch.

The death row wish list is only applicable in that situation: alone, behind bars, with food to comfort and give joy at life’s end. 

For those of us who are free, the people around us are our comfort and joy.  Sharing a meal with our family is supposed to be like that – enjoy the food, yes, but it is not about the food primarily.  (Even when it is about the food!)

Thanksgiving – about the turkey and pumpkin pie.  Christmas – the cookies.  Birthday – cake.  We look forward to these events and these treats.  I do anyway.

But if that’s the only part we enjoy, we are missing the point and putting food in a much higher position of importance than it should be.

I often have honest anxiety over holidays and church potlucks and special events, knowing I’ll want to eat these goodies and feeling like I shouldn’t and feeling guilty for eating and feeling deprived if I resist.  Then I generally eat till I’m stuffed and I don’t want to deal with people and want to unbutton my pants or put on my sweats but I can’t because I’m at my cousin’s house, so on and so on.  All this anxiety and guess who isn’t enjoying the people around them, because of all the chaos in my head?  Me. 

This bloated cow ain't a happy cow.  Been there!

 

If I learn, if I train myself to see the death row supper vs. last night on earth supper mentality in every event that I get anxiety facing, I think I could be free to enjoy myself.  If I remind myself tomorrow is not guaranteed, that this is an irreplaceable event with those I love, I think I could change the way I react to the big events.  Not with guilt, not with binging, not focused on the food. 

The person who is obsessed with that food bucket list is the person behind bars, trapped and alone.

The person who is obsessed with her family and wanting to love and enjoy them, at the grand feasts and ordinary lunches of life, is the one who is free.