March 1st - "Walk Back Down"

Mama Bear is gonna take this blog in a new direction.  I've been going around and around the "Honor God With Your Body" mountain for a solid year now, examining what the Bible says about eating, reading books by authors on the same subject, monitoring my own eating habits and motives.

In other words, I've been stressing out for a solid year.  I've been stressing about my weight since as long as I can remember, but last year at the same time, the January/February not quite spring or winter here in Western ND, I felt like something moved in my spirit, a prompting from God that I'd been travelling around this mountain long enough.

The epiphany came while I was on a walk, avoiding the sloppy melting snow on my lunch hour from work.  I listen to Joyce Meyers in the AM and she had reviewed her process of getting out of debt, that God had showed her she had been spending tomorrow's money today and if she had to live on meager rations until she was out of debt, she deserved that.  It was a tough battle, she recalled, when she wanted to spend money and it would have been so easy to do so.

Thinking on that, for whatever reason, the coorelation hit me.  I'd been eating tomorrow's food today, most of my life.  To fill a void, because I was bored and it was fun, we'll get to that stuff later.  And if I had to live on meager portions until the problem was fixed, then that's what I'd have to do.  It would be a tough battle, when I wanted to eat more than I should, and the habit of overindulging is just so easy to slip back into.  But I felt empowered to fix the mess I had gotten myself into.

So the line between debt/no debt is pretty easy to see.  Black and Red.  In appropriate vs. God honoring. Where was the line for my inappropriate vs. God honoring?  Luckily I carpool with the town's leading personal trainer and dietician, and found the Michelle Obama food pyramid to plate online resources helpful.  That broke down the number of calories I should eat for my height and weight, designating the portions from each food groups to result in a daily, balanced eating pattern.

So there, that's what I should eat every day.  That is an appropriate eating plan.  The goal: the BMI chart puts my healthy weight at approx 110 - 140 lbs.  There.  That is my "in the black" weight.

I found success fairly easily.  I took the praise report to my Bible Study of how free I felt.  How good I felt.  I reached my 140 and I arrived, victorious.

Then I went on vacation.  And while I did well at first, not going vacation crazy, on Wednesday I decided I didn't need to be so self-controlled.  Not a wise choice...

Then we came back and some situations in our home life got me all "double minded."  I can't function in duality.  I am black/white, all or nothing in my personality.  I'm working on it, I'm sure that will be in a post down the road, too.  It is a derailment waiting to happen.  I'm either "on the diet" or I am "off the diet." And when I say off, I mean OFF.  Mardi Gras, Fat Tuesday, Riot off.  For later... 

The point, living in the double-minded suspense put honoring God way down on the list, as I tend to use food as a friend, comfort, stress reliever, etc, etc, etc...

So guess what?  The weight came back.  And then some.  I guess because nothing really changed?  Permanently changed?  I thought it had, just as I've thought in the past, I'll never be over "this" weight again.  (That # is 150 by the way.  That's the heaviest I ever want to be, unless I'm preggo.  I'm over that now.  Sad face.)  Guess not, guess I'm just the same old me.  I binge, bloat up, then purge, lose weight.  Binge and purge, up and down, size this to size not telling you.  Always, though, stressed on the upswing or down.

But here's the point to today's intro.   But first a little background, off the subject.  I like Tom Petty and used to own his greatest hits CD.  I am also notoriously singing the wrong words to songs.  It's one of those flaws I find quite attractive in myself though, like if I were a character in a romantic comedy, that'd be one of the things mr. handsome would love about me and look dreamiily at me during the musical montage. 

So, I used to sing, "I'll stand my ground, won't be turned around, keep this world from dragging me down, gonna stand my ground, and I'll Walk Back Down."  I honestly thought the song was saying, I'll make my stand, and after I've stood, I'll just turn around and go home.  That it was enough to just make the stand.  I literally thought that. 

It is the complete opposite of the song's intended message.  You gotta stand, and keep standing, and not back down.  Its exactly how I have approached this weight loss, getting healthy, honoring God process.  I stood.  I'm done now.  I'm going home. 

Food addiction is a difficult disorder, because while an alcoholic can avoid a bar, I can't avoid eating.  I'd like to, I wish I could just stop and not be stressed before, during, and after just about every meal I consume.

But I think I'm gonna stand this time.  I'm going to stand on my knees.  I can not do this on my own, I can't deliever myself from the cravings of my flesh, and even more so, the life long habits of using food.  I can't do this.  The thought of relinquishing some of those habits creates such anxiety in me.  The thought of standing for every meal for the rest of my life is so overwhelming, the option of just not and getting Biggest Loser contestant big crosses my mind.  Insurance pays for gastric bypass at 100# over weight.  Binge and Purge...

But the thought of peace consuming my days, the peace of freedom and walking in obedience draws me.  I believe God is moving me into freedom. 

So my dietician is going up sugar this month and invitied me to join.  Oh why not?  If you are reading this, I ask for your prayers for my journey.  I'll get more into what God is teaching me soon.  I ask to be willing to be made willing to give up all that is hindering me and run with perserverance the race He's marked out for me.  Hebrews 12 I think.  Thanks to all.  Let's Run.