March 5th - Weird Dream

Want to share a dream I had with you all.  I don’t have the time or energy to go to my notes and write thoughtfully.

So last year, when this all started, I had this very interesting dream.  Interesting to me, anyway.  Telling. 

I dreamt I was going on vacation, to somewhere exotic.  Like Cancun or Belize.  It was warm and hubby and I were walking on cobblestone streets to a little café.  And I was soo looking forward to enjoying all the great food I was going to get to experience at this location.

Except, I realized, I was sooo full already, I literally could not swallow one bite of food.  Why?  Because I was a drug mule apparently.  I had swallowed a stomachs full of drugs inside plastic baggies (condoms?)  (Sidenote, by now you all are like, she watches waaay too much TV and yes, in fact, that is probably true…) and I was utterly sick.

So I went to a bathroom to try to puke up the drugs because I wanted to eat the good vacation food.  But I had to keep looking over my shoulder before I did, since I was being followed by the feds.  Or whoever would punish a drug mule like me for this bad decision to fill my body full of drugs.

Fear and suspense and the ishy awful full feeling and the devastation of not being able to enjoy vacation food.  That was that dream’s dominate emotions.

Here’s what I reasoned my subconscious mind was working out.

1. I tend to graze.  Grab a little to eat here and there as I go about my day.  Mindless sometimes, for pleasure sometimes, for stress relief, for boredom, whatever.  So when I go to sit down to eat a meal I’ve prepared, I don’t enjoy it, because I’m already full.  Then I feel worse because now I’m really full.  And part of me knows I would gain more enjoyment from my food, and feel better in general, if I would just allow myself to be hungry before a meal.  I’m not necessarily not enjoying the grazing, I guess, but emotionally, I feel out of control and that is as unpleasant as the overfull feeling.  In the dream, that overfull feeling was so real, I can still “feel” how I felt in my dream.  Like all the way up the esophagus full.   Few degrees beyond Thanksgiving at Aunt Lori’s even.

2. I’m already full of things that aren’t good for me.  Sure my subconscious went to a super extreme in representing that which fills me and isn’t good, condoms filled with dope.  But the point remains, I know on some level I am putting stuff inside me that is to my detriment, not my benefit.  Hence the feds, they enhanced that feeling of what I swallowed was wrong.

3. I wanted to enjoy vacation food.  I don’t think this was a telling of my unhealthy association of food with events (ie I can’t enjoy my birthday without cake, I can’t enjoy a movie without popcorn) but it was just a pure desire to enjoy eating.  And God created us to enjoy Him and His creation.  I am missing His blessing if I continually act out of flesh.  There is sweetness in living in obedience.

So that’s it for today.  Still no sweets – even went through Wal-Mart today, through the baking aisle, without any mental setbacks.  It’s our turn to bring treats to the hubby’s work, so I am making puppy chow, caramel rolls, and apple crisp for the next three days. 

Wish me luck.  Hubby doesn’t think I can do without cheating, esp the puppy chow.  Now that is exactly the kind of dare I needed to get through!